Crossroads

A New Look at Service of the Heart

by Erez Moshe Doron

Jubilee — in the end, we will go back home.

Rabi Abahu fell asleep. He dreamed that he saw thirteen rivers of persimmon flowing in Gan Eden. Everlasting, inconceivable happiness. In his dream, he asked, "Who is this for?" They answered him, "All this is for Rabi Abahu." He was astounded and said, "Are these really all for me? I thought I was toiling in vain, and that I was wasting my strength on emptiness and vanity" (Talmud Yerushalmi, Avodah Zarah, 18).

There was a moment like this: I saw myself standing at the bottom of a grassy hill. At the top, there was a path that led to a large estate. I couldn't see it, but I knew that beyond, further way, there was another path leading to the Next World. At that moment, I knew with absolute certainty that in order to be able to stand on this place — even for just a moment — I would be willing to repeat, several times, everything that I'd been through.

There was a moment like this: Without warning, I was flooded with a feeling of happiness more intense than I'd ever experienced before. A minute later, the feeling became doubly strong. I knew that if it would continue like this, I'd burn up, losing myself entirely. Terrified, I prayed: "Master of the world, if this is what is in store for those who serve you, I ask for only one thing. From now on, and for this rest of my life, allow me to build vessels to contain this light." In the future, Hashem will remove the sun from its sheath. The wicked will be punished by it, and the righteous will be healed by it. I want to be healed by it.

Like Rabi Abahu, I had thought that I was toiling in vain, that I was wasting my strength on emptiness and vanity.

Still, I continue to count the days. I carry on and wait — for years. Because I know that there is a day waiting for me, like the Jubilee (yovel) year, when all the slaves are freed, and everyone returns home. "In this Jubilee year, you shall return, each man to his ancestral heritage" (Vayikra 25:13).

"This is the meaning of 'For there is a day, the watchers shall call on the mountains of Ephraim; Rise! Let us go up' (Yirmiyahu 32:5). One who observes, watches and waits for Hashem's salvation, will certainly merit this day. Ultimately, the day that he anticipates — when he will draw close to Hashem — that day will come. He must remain strong and steadfast, waiting and counting the days. Even if he feels that he has not fulfilled his duty, the day of his salvation will certainly arrive" (Likutei Halachot, Pikadon V'Arba'ah Shomrim, 12).

I, too, have a day. And I'm still here. I haven't run away to any place.

"Only in this way will it be possible to finally attain holiness, and to cleave to Hashem forever —for which all the punishments in the world would be worthwhile. Because it's impossible for each and every soul to merit to enter the gates of Godly understanding for eternity, other than through the most delicate nuances of steering clear of evil and doing good. Obviously, the very few who succeed, even today, in conducting themselves properly, according to Hashem's will, other than being rewarded with the everlasting pleasure of Divine understanding, they will also become purified; after their death, they will be liberated from the punishments coming to them from transgressions they committed in previous lifetimes" (Kochvei Ohr, Emet V'Emunah, 6).Ultimately, this moment will come.

We insist that it surely does exist. We have lost our way in every desert. We believe that every stain can be purified by the stream (nachal). Like exhausted warriors after a great battle, who carry themselves only on the strength of their will, we will gather once again on the mountaintop. With our own eyes, we'll see the swelling of the river. Each individual will observe, and weep, and remember, all the times that he refused to despair, all the moments when he once again undertook to choose goodness; and everyone will see how those moments were transformed into waves, fortifying the current of the flowing river of light, which is on its way.